People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts

People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts

Improve your personal and professional relationships instantly with this timeless guide to communication, listening skills, body language, and conflict resolution.A wall of silent resentment shuts you off from someone you love....You listen to an argument in which neither party seems to hear the other....Your mind drifts to other matters when people talk to you.... People...

DownloadRead Online
Title:People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts
Author:Robert Bolton
Rating:
Edition Language:English

People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts Reviews

  • Bob Selden

    Although “People Skills” was first published in 1986, I feel obliged to review it as the principles and lessons espoused by Robert Bolton are timeless. In fact it is probably one of the most used books in my collection (I even have the paperback version covered in plastic and it’s never far from my desk).

    “People Skills” is not a book that one sits down and reads from cover to cover. It’s a book where you might read a chapter that relates to one of your underused skills (such as assertion) for y

    Although “People Skills” was first published in 1986, I feel obliged to review it as the principles and lessons espoused by Robert Bolton are timeless. In fact it is probably one of the most used books in my collection (I even have the paperback version covered in plastic and it’s never far from my desk).

    “People Skills” is not a book that one sits down and reads from cover to cover. It’s a book where you might read a chapter that relates to one of your underused skills (such as assertion) for your own development, or when you are faced with a difficult situation (such as managing a critical conflict). “People Skills” covers all the essential communication skills such as reflective listening, assertion and conflict management. Not only does Bolton provide the theory behind these skills, but he also gives short scenarios and great practical examples of how each can be applied.

    Described by the publisher as a “communication skills handbook”, “People Skills” should be essential reading for every manager. In fact it should be the standard text for all “Management 101” courses and would add tremendously to the skill set of our younger generation by being used as a standard high school text. Don’t be put off by this textbook description as it is highly readable and a must for all practising managers. Make sure you have a copy to refer to when next you are faced with that difficult “people” issue.

  • Brendon Wilkinson

    I found this book as I was looking for a quick fix to help with some communication issues that were impacting on a friendship. It became quite apparent half way through the first Chapter that the issue I had identified were just the tip of the iceberg and that there isn't a quick fix. There was a lot of good advice in the book to take in and while I am sure I will not diligently apply most of it, I believe that recognizing how the habit of using communication roadblocks that I have developed ove

    I found this book as I was looking for a quick fix to help with some communication issues that were impacting on a friendship. It became quite apparent half way through the first Chapter that the issue I had identified were just the tip of the iceberg and that there isn't a quick fix. There was a lot of good advice in the book to take in and while I am sure I will not diligently apply most of it, I believe that recognizing how the habit of using communication roadblocks that I have developed over a lifetime has negatively influenced many relationships in my life is a great first step on the path to meaningful change.

    I plan on reading the book again to make sure I didn't miss anything and I would highly recommend this book to anyone who is looking to improve the way their interpersonal communication skills.

  • Smuuti

    It seems like a companion book for the course the author is organizing, but even high level descriptions of common mistakes and fixes are useful. A book that goes into a lot more nitty gritty than How To Win Friends and Influence People and I find it a good follow-up and more actionable than HTWFAIP. Will need a reread in a year to see how much progress in cultivating people skills I've made.

  • Beth

    Update 2: Have read it several times. still good. (2018)

    Update: Re-reading it every two years. Still good. (2013)

    Original Review: This book is so full of good stuff, it's hard to get through. I started reading every page twice. I feel like I need to read it once a year or something.

    I agree with everything this guy says and the book has prompted me to think that telling the truth all the time is okay. And to tell people when I don't like what they're doing, etc.

  • Kelsey

    apparently the 80's is when all the good psych books were written. i've tried to apply the practical skills found in this book to my daily life, rephrasing what people say to assure understanding, keeping a watchful eye on my emotional space to protect it from intruders, etc. 2 weeks later and i still have friends, so the book can't be all bad.

  • Chelsea

    If you want to learn how to better communicate with EVERYONE in your life, read this book!

  • Emily Yu

    It you want to explore the different aspects of having good people skills, this book will deliver on that. Good examples and scenarios to support the techniques shared. It did sometimes drag out with listing and describing elements of people skills, but the practical advice was enough to not be overly bothered by the "theory." I would refer back to this book for advice.

  • Lisa

    Great book. Thorough, useful, and clearly written. Highly recommended for improving communication skills.

    Highlights / Summary of contents:

    Chapter 2: Barriers to Communication

    1) Judging: Criticizing, Name-Calling, Diagnosing, Praising Evaluatively

    2) Sending Solutions: Ordering, Threatening, Moralizing, Excessive/Inappropriate Questioning, Advising

    3) Avoiding the Other's Concerns: Diverting, Logical Argument, Reassuring

    Chapter 3: Listening

    1) Attending Skills: A Posture of Involvement, Appropriate

    Great book. Thorough, useful, and clearly written. Highly recommended for improving communication skills.

    Highlights / Summary of contents:

    Chapter 2: Barriers to Communication

    1) Judging: Criticizing, Name-Calling, Diagnosing, Praising Evaluatively

    2) Sending Solutions: Ordering, Threatening, Moralizing, Excessive/Inappropriate Questioning, Advising

    3) Avoiding the Other's Concerns: Diverting, Logical Argument, Reassuring

    Chapter 3: Listening

    1) Attending Skills: A Posture of Involvement, Appropriate Body Motion, Eye Contact, Nondistracting Environment

    2) Following Skills: Door Openers, Minimal Encourages (brief indicators to other persons that you are with them), Infrequent Questions (open questions usually preferable), Attentive Silence (can increase comfort with silence by: attending to the other, observing the other, thinking about what the other is communication)

    3) Reflecting Skills (See chapter 4)

    Chapter 4: Reflective Listening ("In a reflective response, the listener restates the feeling and/or content of what the speaker has communicated and does so in a way that demonstrates understanding and acceptance" (50))

    1) Paraphrasing (of content/facts; concise)

    2) Reflecting feelings. Focus on:

    - feeling words

    - general content of the message

    - body language

    - "If I were having that experience, what would I be feeling?"

    3) Reflecting meanings (both feelings and facts: "You feel . . . because . . .")

    4) Summative reflections (restating of main themes & feelings after a long period of conversation)

    Chapter 7: Improving Your Reflecting Skills

    - Don't fake understanding

    - Don't tell the speaker you know how she feels

    - Vary your responses

    - Focus on the feelings

    - Choose the most accurate feeling word

    - Develop vocal empathy

    - Strive for concreteness and relevance

    - Provide nondogmatic but firm responses

    - Reflect the speaker's resources

    - Reflect the feelings that are implicit in questions

    - Accept that many interactions will be inconclusive

    - Reflect during brief interactions

    -.....

    Chapter 9: Developing Three-Part Assertion Messages

    1) Non-Judgmental Descriptions of Behavior: "When you don't clean the counter after making snacks . . ."

    2) Disclosure of Feelings: ". . . I feel very annoyed"

    3) Clarification of Tangible Effects on Asserter: ". . . because it makes more work for me."

    Chapter 10: Handling the Push-Push Back Phenomenon

    -Six-Step Assertion Process:

    1) Preparation: writing assertion message before sending it (allows you to test the appropriateness of it: am I trespassing on other's space?, Is it a persistent concern?, Is there a base of trust?, Is there a high likelihood of my getting my needs met?), rehearse, arrange an appointment

    2) Sending the Message (how it's sent): use assertive body language (feet firmly planted on floor, direct eye contact, gestures, . . .

    3) Silence

    4) Reflective Listening to the other's defensive response (hostility, questions, side-stepping debates, tears, withdrawal) -- tends to reduce defensiveness

    5) Recycling steps 2 through 4 as often as necessary (i.e., reassert)

    6) Focusing on a solution (good assertion messages allow the other person to come up with his/her own solution rather than you forcing a solution on the other):

    - make sure it meets your needs

    - paraphrase solution back to the other

    - say thanks

    - arrange a time to check with each other to make sure solution is working

    Chapter 11: Increasing Your Assertive Options (for after you've mastered the Three-Part Assertion Message)

    1) Natural Assertions (not following a particular method)

    2) Self-Disclosure: (sharing feelings)

    3) Descriptive Recognition (not flattery or evaluative praise of person's character, but letting the other person know you value a specific behavior of that person and perhaps telling him/her how it's had a positive effect on you, e.g., "When you . . . I feel . . . because . . .")

    4) Relationship Assertions (when there's no tangible affect on relationship, just a negative impact)

    5) Selective Inattention (when someone's verbally abusive / aggressive): tell the person you won't participate in conversations when the other uses abusive language, and then ignore them when they do; don't reward or reinforce negative behavior / "extension"

    6) Withdrawal (temporary or permanent), especially when relationship is toxic

    7) Spectrum Response (when a colleague offers an idea that you don't care for):

    - Hear and understand the idea (try to find something you like about it)

    - share with the other your view of that part of his / her idea that's worthwhile

    - express concerns

    8) Options (offer choices and then let the other choose between them)

    9) Natural and Logical Consequences

    - natural: let the person experience the natural consequences of his actions (if bike is left outside, it may get stolen)

    - logical: e.g., if a child spills milk, he must clean it up; if they arrive late, they only get the remaining time

    10) Stop the Action, Accept the Feelings, e.g, when a child gets angry and starts hitting his brother, stop the action, but let him feel the angery

    11) Say "no" (he gives suggestions on different ways to say no)

    12) Modify the environment (keep fragile things out of a young child's environment)

    Chapter 12: Conflict Prevention and Control

    - realistic conflict: opposed needs, goals, values, . . . inevitable and can lead to increased intimacy.

    - nonrealistic conflict: done out of ignorance, prejudice, dysfunction, historical traditions, . . . - unwarranted and should be controlled / prevented: use fewer roadblocks' reflective listening; assertion skills; awareness of what behaviors likely to trigger conflict; get rid of your own tension through exercise, sports, . . .; increased emotional support from family and friends; be more tolerant; "issues control" (he explains, see p. 211); invite other person to share feelings; evaluate consequences and cost of conflict. In an organization: clearly stated policies and procedures, training for conflict management, . . .

    Chapter 13: Handling the Emotional Components of Conflict

    - focus on emotions first, deal with substantive issues later

    - the conflict resolution method: rules that govern conflict:

    Step 1: Treat the Other Person with Respect

    Step 2: Listen Until You "Experience the Other Side" ("understand the opinions and suggestions or feelings of the other person -- from her point of view -- and then reflect those thoughts and feelings back to the other in a succinct statement." (221) "When the other person feels heard, you have earned the right to speak your point of view and express your feelings." (221)

    Step 3: State Your Views, Needs, and Feelings

    - Four ways to use the conflict resolution method: before a potential conflict, in the middle, . . .

    - Preparation for the encounter (questions to ask: who should engage? when? . . .)

    - Evaluating the Conflict (any lessons to be learned?)

    - Expected Outcomes (bonds tend to grow stronger, . . . )

    Chapter 14: Collaborative Problem Solving

    -3 kinds of conflict: emotion, values conflicts, needs

    -Alternatives to collaborative problem solving: denial, avoidance, capitulation, domination, compromise

    - Collaborative problem solving (for conflict of needs; win/win; 6 steps):

    1) Define the problems in terms of needs, not solutions (to discover needs, ask "why" the person wants the solution he's proposed; a statement of the goal, not the solution: "I need to ..."; ". . . it requires asserting one's own needs, listening reflectively until you understand the other person's needs, and then stating both sets of needs in a one-sentence-long summary of the problem." (243))

    2) Brainstorm Possible Solutions:

    3) Select the Solution That ill Meet Both Parties' Needs

    4) Plan Who Will Do What, Where, and When

    5) Implement the Plan

    6) Evaluate How Well the Solution Turned Out (at a later date)

    - Handling the Crucial Preliminaries

    - What do I do when Collaborative Problem-Solving Doesn't Work?

    - Applications

  • ♥ Ashleigh ♥  contrary to popular belief i'm not actually mad!

    DNFing. It was a really helpful and insightful read but god it is boring and i just cant be bothered picking it back up. So no more for me.

    sigh.

  • Evan Nelson

    I'm honestly confused how so many people found this book to be useful. Personally I found it to be a collection of ineffective, formulaic techniques. All of the example scenarios were contrived and hyperbolic, completely ignoring all the subtleties that contribute to real world communication issues. Likewise, all of the success stories were anorexic, essentially comprising of nothing more than "Sally had trouble communicating with her boss/friend/partner, but then she used these techniques and n

    I'm honestly confused how so many people found this book to be useful. Personally I found it to be a collection of ineffective, formulaic techniques. All of the example scenarios were contrived and hyperbolic, completely ignoring all the subtleties that contribute to real world communication issues. Likewise, all of the success stories were anorexic, essentially comprising of nothing more than "Sally had trouble communicating with her boss/friend/partner, but then she used these techniques and now everything is great!"

    The only positive I can give is that this book is well structured. It clearly explains the problem it wants to address, it gives a high-level overview of how it will address the problem, and then steps through each part of the solution. It was very easy to follow.

Best Books Online is in no way intended to support illegal activity. Use it at your risk. We uses Search API to find books/manuals but doesn´t host any files. All document files are the property of their respective owners. Please respect the publisher and the author for their copyrighted creations. If you find documents that should not be here please report them


©2019 Best Books Online - All rights reserved.